Change is Good!


I changed my blog title today to 'Trying for a Sticky Bean". As we have already proven that I can indeed get preggers, the challenge is having that baby go full term or "stick" as we say in the TTC world!

I have still not gotten any results back for the testing I had in April. I guess I should call. I guess I am more nervous about there being no problems as opposed to actually having a cause for the miscarriages. If there is a "cause" there should be a "cure".

I want to try again so bad this month but I also want to have a good time at my staff party and my Dad's party in early September (meaning I want to get drunk and possibly puke!). I keep going back and forth in my head that we will try or we won't try next week when the time is "right". I am so scared of miscarrying again. I am scared that if we do get a sticky bean that we won't have enough money to support it. I am scared that Charles is lying to me about wanting to try and then when we get to that important time the truth comes out and I feel heartbroken. I don't want to "take a month off " because I know this really means "I am trying to trick fate!" As well I can only stop obsessing when I am on the pill and even then, I get ants in my pants about the whole dilemma. I want one more go and if the outcome is as sucky as the last 3 times, then I will be back on the pill, for a few years anyways. I am already 4 years past when I wanted "babies"! A few more years will only strengthen my marriage and my faith. A few more years will give us time to grow personally, spiritually and as a couple. I could dedicate the time to go back to school and get a new career! So I will stay positive and know that there is a plan.

"When there were only one set of footprints is when I carried you." Anonymous