A Year

A year has gone by since my last pregnancy ended. I am continually surprised that I am not already pregnant. I am continually happy that I am not pregnant---THIS MONTH. I have to say "Thank You LORD!" In praise of answered prayers.

So much that we want a child of our own. So much that we tempt fate by "trying" in the months before our "month of sadness". So much that the Lord looks out for us and says "enough pain."

Yesterday holds a lot of meaning in my family. First it is my Mom's birthday. She turned 59! Second it was my sister in-law's Dad's birthday, who is no longer with us, so a tough day for her. 4 Years ago, our good friend and "brother" Sean took his own life. We miss him greatly. The last 3 March's we have dealt with our own very personal loss of our unborn children. 3 of them now.

The first year was, believe it or not, okay. We knew it was normal to experience a miscarriage and we were just so excited that we had conceived. The second March had a two-fer. We lost the only one we had TWICE seen a heartbeat on. As well it was the due date Month of the our second loss of September 2006. That spurrned a year of grieving and questioning and sadness and heartache and anger. As we came out of that cloud last winter we found ourselves pregnant, accidently, again! And on March 15 I went into the hospital for a shot in my ass and the worse pain I have ever felt physically.

Mentally and emotionally we coped better this last year. It being an ectopic meant having to wait for an HSG to see if my tubes were clear. We were given the green light and our Dear Dr told us he'd see us in a month or two with good news. It's been 9 months now. Significant? Maybe.

It is very beautiful and sunny today and the last few days have been lovely. But a dark cloud has gathered over my head and I am trying my best to shoo it away. Tears need to fall. But not alone. A hug and a prayer are needed to be shared today. The day after.

I am in my TWW and probably have a really bad case of PMS. I am moody and irritatable. I have a break out like no other. I am weepy. I do not like my negative feelings of "it's never goning to happen. That will never be us." I have taken to avoiding parties were the majority of guests are young couples who have had one or two kids in the last few years. I feel like I walk around with a sign over my head that says "INFERTILE-DON'T ASK" I talk to people openly about what we've been through, men, woman and young ladies, so that they can learn. So that they can understand life ain't perfect. But being ashamed is pointless. Being embarassed, well that seems strange but I feel it all the time. Feelings of failure-everyday.

SOB :(

It is a hard day and month for me and C. We have yet to talk about it. I wonder if he realized? He didn't talk about it. But neither did I. I will tonight. We need to heal. We need to move on.

I will pray today for guidance and forgiveness. I will pray that God will again answer our prayers as He has done before.

It is a "new Year". A year that won't be marked by "our loss". A new year with new hopes and new dreams.

A Year...