Trying so far....

So it has been about 3 years since I went off BCP. So far I have been pregnant once which sadly ended in a miscarriage (03/2006). As of right now I am impatiently waiting for AF to show. I am sure I am not PG again so soon, as we were off on our timing plus I am a POAS addict (pee on a stick) and I have done 2 HPT's since last week. I am at day 32 since the heavy bleeding started on March 9, but I started miscarrying before that, with spotting around Feb 28 (happy b-day to me).
I need to write that I have been to a specialist over a year ago and he said the reason I wasn't PG was b/c I am obese. Which is true. I am. Very. That is also a major struggle. So I am now again, for the billionth time, trying to lose weight. Recently I quit smoking after 14 years of puffing away 10-20 cigs A day. I am very happy about this and proud of myself. Tobacco is more addictive than heroin. If I can quit smoking, why can't I quit eating all the wrong foods and start exercising more??
So maybe this blog will be not only about TTC but about my everyday struggles with losing weight.
Last night I made a week long Meal plan for this week and I have stuck to it so far. LMAO-I only had breakfast so far!! I do have to eat lunch still so I will have to quit writing and do that soon plus I should ride my bike for 30 minutes and then it is off to work.
What I wonder is how can someone who knows all about weight loss and how to do it properly, not lose weight? What physicological dysfunction causes this. When I think about having gastric bypass as an option (I would qualify b/c I am over 100 lbs overweight), anyways, I think about being deprived of all the foods I love--steak, cakes, KFC, etc. Even in moderation I don't think you can eat them after a GBS. But why can't I eat in "moderation"? What triggers my need to eat 5 cookies instead of just being satisfied with one or two? And when I do eat well for a day or two, I feel this stupid need to reward myself with.....FOOD!!! And lots of it.
I have to give myself some credit though as I haven't had fast food in a few weeks. That makes me happy. I don't count Tim's as fast food, b/c I can eat relatively healthy there and it will get easier as we are getting-wraps!!!YUMMY! But at work I can also screw it up big time as we have many fat laden desserts as well-donuts, cookies, cheesecake, etc. But when I take my food to work and follow my plan I do ok. Right now, I am trying to follow a plan at least 3-4 days per week. I am trying to eat healthy those days and splurge on the other days, but not go to crazy, as to undo the success of the week thus far.
So it seems that this blog is more about weight loss but seriously, that is probably the main problem here. I am actually scared to become pregnant at this weight and want to lose some before hand and to do this I need to focus on that and not TTC. So maybe I will take a few months off and focus on weight loss and maybe a career change. Yet when I think about doing this I realize it will be another year at least until I can hold a little one of my own. This makes me sad.

I have always wanted children. As a young women, I knew something was not right within my body. I started at 18 going to my family doctor for pains in my sides. Only once did it show a cyst on my right ovary. Then the blood tests, finally diagnosed with too high testosterone and low thyroid (hypothyroidism). The treatment-continue BCP and thyroid replacement. I find it strange that after 10 years though, I am still on the same dosage as I was then. I was at least 20 lbs lighter back then. So after I married C, I waited about 7 months and went to Smith and told him that I was TTC and no success. He sent me to Dr. P and I had some tests that were incluclusive, I was a major candidate for PCOS but my hormones didn't indicate, oh and you are too fat and need to lose weight. DUH. So he put me on Metformin for insulin resistance and told me to eat a low carb diet, not easy for me, I need carbs at every meal. The metformin wreaked havoc on my digestive system when I did eat too much carbs. So of course I stopped the metformin and continued to pile on the pounds. After another year I went back to Smith b/c I was over a month late. He asked if we were TTC and I told him about Dr. P. Smith said that many women who are large conceive and deliver. (which I knew) So he put me on a weight loss drug that helps eliminate the fat. Not very pleasant. I did okay with that drug and lost a few pounds but then it was Xmas and well....So here I am, still weighing too much--210 pounds and still not pregnant, but was able to get pg but m/c early (6 weeks). I think the main reason I m/c was b/c I wasn't taking any pre-natal or my thyroid pills regularly. I know am taking them everyday. But I need a better routine. Thyroid in the morning and Pre-natal with dinner plus I have been taken 81mg of aspirin a day to prevent clots-just in case. I love to self-diagnose.

I plan to go back to my Dr's after AF shows-for a pap and an ultrasound. I have emailed my mom to pick me up some Pre-seed in the states as I it supposed to help the swimmers live longer.

Well I am off now to eat some lunch and get ready for work.