SAD......

Sad is about the main word I can use to describe myself right now. I am sad. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Some days I feel like I am never going to come out of this. It feels like I am drowning and I can not make my way to the surface, and usually I am such a good swimmer! I know, not the same type of swimming.

Some days I wake up and I am mad right away, mad at anything or everything. I carry on conversations in my head I so desperately want to have with people in my life, but never have the courage to do so. I know that the truth sucks sometimes and I am not even sure I am ready for it. I am tired of living in these untruths. Somedays I feel like I am living a lie, which I am but why don't the others see it? Why don't they call me on it? Maybe that's what I need? I am not sure.

I started therapy a while ago and there is so much that cannot be solved in an hour, real life is not TV where they can solve 3 problems in an hour on Grey's or whatever show du jour. What is it I need to move on? What do I need to do? I think I know. It is already written but it needs to be read. Once I can see the reaction I can make my next move. I will continue to fight for this if he will but if not, I may have to walk away. Away from the best thing? Is it? Probably but if I am not feeling my best, I don't think it is. I can't even be sure he is feeling his best, because he never lets me know!
Only time will tell and hopefully a short time.