Been Awhile

I have thought about posting but somethings are just better left un-posted.

It is a new year, a year to move on. I am still trying. I keep thinking about how a year ago at this time we conceived our heartbeat. I remember being so sure of catching the egg but then "AF" arrived and I thought on to another month. Surprisingly I was pregnant and the rest is history. It is time to remember the joy and leave the pain behind.

Charles and I have at least a weekly conversation to see where we are both at with the whole TTC thing. Part of me wants to try tomorrow, not possible but still, part of me is happy to wait till March but I really think I can wait longer. Maybe until April or May or October, who knows for sure. I want to take care of so many things first before we even get pregnant.

The house is almost completed, the trim and some finishing touches are left to do but hopefully, with Charles off the next 2 weeks he can get them done. We can set up the 2ND guest room and I can start organizing my pictures in what will hopefully be a nursery soon!

As well, we have some debt still that we need to get down plus I am still trying to build the savings so that I can afford to take the first 8 weeks off and just rest and grow a baby.

And of course, I need to lose weight. I need to start ASAP because it becomes more apparent everyday how my body hates me. My foot hurts, I am tired, my legs hurt, I have varicose veins, my acne won't go away, my back hurts and I think I have killed my gallbladder!! Why can't I just get it together? I am always the first to say "I know all there is about healthy eating." I even am able to convince folks at work which is healthier and why. I know my stuff. BUT WHY CAN'T I PUT IT TO USE FOR MY SELF?

I created a trail mix that includes dried fruit, pecans and a few smarties. I am hoping this will benefit me by curbing my cravings for sweets. I am almost completely off the Diet Pepsi and have been drinking Cream Soda or Orange pop instead, but amazingly like one a day, not three or four, like I would diet Pepsi. I feel like I am eating more real meals instead of junk or fast food. Since we moved the couch and TV to the basement, I eat most meals at the kitchen table, I think we've ate once in the basement, as well as some snacks!

My goal is still to get on the bike for 30 minutes while watching TV but to no avail YET! Tomorrow is another day. I need some incentive. Maybe it should be when I lose 40 lbs we can start trying again. I should get Charles in on it and then he will keep my mind on the ultimate goal. A child to hold and watch grow.

I have learned a thing or two in the last year. One is that we all falter. We have to forgive ourselves of this and move on. A one time event. And to dissect the event and discover why it happened and what you must do to prevent it in the future. Another lesson I've learned is you should never judge a person for their wrongdoing because you cannot know their reasons, deep in their hearts. Let God be the judge of wrongdoings, but support the ones you love and the ones who did them wrong. Sounds strange but until you've walked a mile in their shoes, only know that they need support to. We all falter.
As well, Listening is the greatest thing you can do to some one who has problems. Often when one person vents about their personal life it is to do just that, VENT, and not get advice. When you are asked for advice, be careful and general. Know that very rarely what you say will convince someone to do what everyone else perceives as right. Even when the person tells you how well you predicted an event, such as a "I swear I'll kill myself if you leave me." Just listen. That is the greatest form of support.

I think the greatest lesson I learned this last year is that it isn't all about me. I have a husband who is affected by my decisions, my moods. These decisions must be made together. As well, I learned that when I hurt, he hurts to, especially when we were both grieving the same losses separately. Knowing now we could be so further ahead if we had shared with each other our hurt and fears. Knowing that we felt the same way but neither of us ever asked the other how they were doing, or coping.

And I know that each fall, I will get ahead of that SAD and conquer it before it conquers me and leaves me defeated and deflated.

I have never stuck to New Years Resolutions, but in general try to change bad habits that have forsaken me for quite a while.

One is to gossip less, be aware of who is listening, never have to retrace steps to cover my ass. . I want to be that "trustworthy" person I make myself out to be. Share others stories in a book or with Sadie, never with another human. Keep opinions that hurt to myself. Shane is right starting a sentence with "I don't want to hurt your feelings..." does just that.

Another change I would like to make is just to be generally a happy and upbeat person. Stop moaning and groaning. Get off my ass and take care of it.