Step Away from the Computer (and phones!)

When I have been drinking, this is the best advice for me. I tend to really speak out when I have had a few and tell truths that shouldn't be heard. By anyone.



I am not deleting my last post, because it is true to a point. I was drunk. I was pissed (mad). I really thought I was having an Ectopic (I guess the thought of being pregnant-even a bad one-is just always there). And I felt like giving up. I AM tired of the heartache.



I am tired of this consumming me. I am tired of my miscarriages defining who I am or what my realtionship with C is. I think I want someone else to make the decsion for me and it to be final. Like a Doctor saying "Heather-you will never have a baby naturally. I am tying your tubes." Which would be okay, I guess, as long as the Dr paid for some egg retrievals and found a suitable surrogate!



I have had a few people offer to carry for us, which is great. But how do they think that happens? C just screws them during O? No it costs thousands of dollars to retrieve some eggs from me. Then C jacks into a cup. Then in a cute dish they mix some eggs and sperms and watch for conception (how romantic). And then they insert those pre-made embryo's into the willing uterus of a friend? I don't think so.



Of course there are the ever optimistics-well you don't have to be pregnant to get a child. Yeah-right-have you not seen my break downs every fucking fall? Whose going to give me a kid? But if I was a crack addicted whore and got pregnant on my own- well the, I could keep my baby!



Even now I am reeling-a co-worker/friend, who I have counselled for 2 years-bad realtionship/never on birth control, etc, has found her self PREGNANT! AS soon as the 2nd line showed up, she was on the phone with the hospital, booking an appointment, so that she wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Why-you ask? She's afraid that the courts will find out-cuz her boyfriend is not supposed to be within a 100 yards of her, or whatever! Nice! She doesn't think the baby daddy can support her or the child-No kidding-he's a loser! Not only that but the question I always ask these idiot girls-could you see yourself having a child with him? NO is the answer-but I'll keep fucking him til something better comes along. Good realtionships don't just fall in your lap! Especailly while you're sitting on someone elses cock!



Whew-- got that out and feel better. I guess it is good that no-one knows I have a blog. I don't brag and apparently, no one reads it anyways, BUT it is a journal of what is going on in my life.



So the rest of my like-well my uncle Doug passed away last Tuesday, August 19th. He was 55 and had a heartattack. Not his first. My eldest brother told my Dad off last night and then we argued too. My younger older brother's girlfriend, made a good point to my eldest-who is unemployed-well 14 bucks is better then ZERO! Idiot. My middle niece-has decided to live with her dad and hasn't come home in 5 weeks and only called to ask my SIL that she sign the "papers"-a new custody agreement, that the father has drawn up. Nice. My poor SIL is heartbroken. I am angry.



Well-I am off to accupuncture, which is working great and will feel better soon!