January Blahs

I really am having a hard time this year. I cried. It's January. There is so much hope in the year to come. But my fear is it will just be like the last 3, including a winter pregnancy, a winter loss and then the rest of the year of, well, crap. So long to heal from each loss. Physically, mentally and emotionally. As a couple and individually.



I have always felt a little bit psychic. You know those "feelings" you get when something is going to happen. For instance, I can always "feel" when the DM will be around to evaluate. And yes it could be cyclical but hmmmm. And other's pregnancies, always feel them too. And my own, always JUST know! And some other things that happened recently and have really gotten me thinking. Like how I predicted the hiring of someone at work. I heard nothing of it but just felt of it and it was confirmed yesterday! So I becuase of these "feelings" I worry.




Sometimes I just FEEL like it won't happen for us. Not right now. Maybe at 35? I don't know why. It depresses me to think/feel that way but it is unexplainable. So my dilemna is this, as it has been, for almost a year. If I do fall pregnant soon and have another unsucessful pregancy, will I be able to quit? To take a break? I am scared that will be the problem. I will keep trying and just be all consumed by it.



I feel nervous and excited. I am nervous for the positive test but oh so excited for it as well. Maybe that's the thrill for me. Just getting those positives are awesome. They are the indicator that my near future will change, good or bad. rarely can I envision me past 3 months pregnant. I almost worry that I really don't want it. But while I write that I know it isn't that. I do want a child. I want a little me and C to love and care for and teach and enjoy.



And as before, I just feel that if it isn't going to happen then can someone else make that decision for me? Can someone else tell me NO and control my fertility? Hold me down and give me the depo shot every 3 months or whatever. Or put me out and place an IUD in me? Sounds crazy but that is what I envision.



I am about to start a TWW. I had some good EWCM! I haven't been 100% at temping but if I start tomorrow, fll on, I will know for sure if I hatched an egg. I mean the EWCM was awesome. So much so that 2 days I called C and told him to be ready for me when I walk in the door. ;)

Of course we are into birthday month and I am planning to go to Toronto for my BBGF's birthday bash. I will be 9 or so days into my wait and I have to make some tough choices. Do I drink? And if I drink do I have a few ciggies? Or do I refrain from one but not the other? Or nothing at all. Will he understand if I bail? SIGH



This is what I mean about it all consumming me! It is hard to plan my months around what could be "the month" but usually turns out to be nothing. And then if I do indulge I worry even more about the what if's?!

I think I am discouraged because it is our seventh cycle since the HSG which issupposed to give you 3 months of exceptional fertility! So needless to say I get nervous. I am nervous that my tube will look too inviting to the embryo and well, then, you know what happens next. A big disappoinment.

SIGH
So that will be my "crying" for now. As of right now the POSITIVE Heather will emerge and just be thankful for what she has already. I will accept what comes this way.
Onto February, our MONTH.