I Threw Them Out

I am pretty sure that all the Tracking I did these last 6 years has been deleted from my old computer. I think I did that. I think it helps.

I can't beleive it's been 6.75 years since I officially went off the pill and started TTC. Now it is true that we were not timing things right the first 2 years or so. That's okay, C wasn't ready! But when I finally said, that one superbowl Sunday "If we have sex right now, I'll get pregnant!" and I did! For the first time! 2006! Four Long years ago! And when I started testing around 14 DPO and got BFN's, I was okay with that, kinda used to it. I mean it had only been a few months before that a RE told me the only reason I wasn't getting PG was because I was FAT! Nice.

Then I got a BFP after AF came and went that month. But it was just a chemical pregnancy. BUT for me it meant the world! I COULD get pregnant!!! I had just quit smoking and had lost a whopping 11 pounds and POOF! I could get 2 lines!

Then the trying in earnest started! Each month I would look for the signs and get down to business, only to be disappointed with AF. Then most of that summer I had no AF. Why? I was pregnant! YAY! My mother's physic predicted baby in August! It was August when I found out! Amazing shit! BUT wait, your HCG levels are really good but there is nothing in your uterus. But there is a huge "cyst" on your cervix! HMMMM First Ectopic. POOH! Happy "Labour" Day weekend to us!

That's it I am on the PILL! But after 3 months I felt ready. We took a little vacation and came home to ovulation! And WHAMO! I was knocked up AGAIN! And then the spotting started. BUT wait! There's a heartbeat in there, a little bean! Tears of joy! SPotting! More tears of Joy! And then I waited paitently for 12 weeks to arrive! But just didn't make it! Crap! 2007!

Depression....for both.....almost a whole YEAR!

Feb 2008-Just finishing a wonderful unplanned BD session "I think you just knocked me up!" And well, 14 days later a + sign! Take time off work and relax, no stress. Bad gas pains. OH RIGHT! This one's in my tube! SIGH.....

March! 3 outta 4 were lost in March, 1 was due in March. Shit.

The last pregnancy/loss was almost 2 years ago. Those two years since have seen alot of trying, obsession, crying, breakdowns, depression, obsessing, money wasted, more crying. And SEX! Lot's of SEX!

But it has seen this: me quitting my job, realizing it may be a key factor in my IF! (I am hoping). Me returning to University to get a degree, to be able to land a fulfilling career! Not just a job! And we took a break! Yes it was only 3 months, but WOW! I have come out of it so much stronger!

It is true that I have already peed on over 30 sticks in the last month, thinking I had ovulated and then realizing I hadn't. I obsessed and thought that I had an ectopic. But in just these last 2 weeks, I have come to realize, that it will be what it is. I need to be patient. I am so much happier now, so much more relaxed. Such a different, good stress. So happy. I don't want to ruin it with BFN's. I don't want to make our love life a schedule.

So I wait. I am taking my temperatures each morning. Honestly hoping for the fall to indicate AF is coming and we can try again. See, I don't truly know where I am in my cycle. And I like that! I screwed myself up with going off the pill. Although my temperatures have been high, making me think I did indeed ovulate, I still really don't know how many DPO I am! And I like it!