April Showers....

Amazing isn't it? After I made that last post, who calls? C!! I was pretty rude to her, told her I was eating! I told her about the m/c and I almost hoped she'd feel bad! Stupid. I sat and wrote her a long letter and then immediately deleted it! I still haven't called her or heard from her again and I am not sure what I should do. Part of me needs her and part of me needs not to be hurt any longer by her inconsiderations!

J was so sweet the other night. She cried for me and I was so touched. I know that I have a true friend with her. This has been hard on everyone and I have come to realize it.

March 30th came and went, my last due date! I actually didn't think twice about it, which makes me sad but relieved. I do not want each March and October to be harded then they already are. To much death in these months!!!

I can fit in my jeans again which makes me happy for now. Silly thing is, I have a feeling that I am again already preggers! It could be some sort of phycosis (sp). We only started trying last weekend but I ususally am pretty accurate at timing! TEEHEE. I even had "spotting" this week! And my boobs have been hurting, but this could be PMS as well! Now I will just have to worry about if my body is ready for another pregnancy so soon! Scarry. But I will be scared in any pregnancy I come upon the rest of my life. I even admitted to Charles that I thought we may have hit it this month and he said "i had a dream!" The dream was that I told everyone without him. I know I have to stay quiet with this one but it is SO HARD! At work, I have to be careful but usually I don't lift anything anyways! Last night I dreamt of breast feeding a baby, that at times was our dog Sadie, but I had this dream last time, as well. And then I peed 2 times last night and had to pee so bad this morning! I did a test but is way to early!! LOL

Charles is nervous to have his blood test, he's afraid of needles and blood! Great! But like I have been saying, I am pretty sure each m/c has been different, a chemical preg, an ectopic, not in my tubes (thank GOD!) and then just a regular old m/c! 4th times a charm!

My mom is visitng this week. My dad decided not to come and we are all sad but what can we do? They will be home in August! And then possibly December!! Or Jan or Feb! Whenever little Chaheather decides to make his/her appearance finally!

Part of me is worried that I haven't grieved properly. The day of the ultrasound, I cried. But right away I asked Charles if he would want to try again right away, if he thought he could go through this again! He said yes. In more ways then one! ;)

I am trying to stay positive and hope that the Lord will guide me and help us to be strong in whatever His plans are for us!