How am I feeling? I am not sure what to feel. I know everyone is waiting for me to have a break down and that is understandable. But I know that break downs come much later.
I think we should see a greif counselor this time. I am so scared of not greiving properly and not moving on, for both of us. I cannot repeat 2007!
I have had a few good cries by myself and thought the "why oh Why's" and did the blame game "all my fault!". I told Charles this and he didn't know how to respond. I told him we need to communicate through out this. I know how hard it is for him to sit and watch his wife in so much pain, physically and emotionally. He has been truly amazing these last 4 weeks and I am so lucky to have him.
Through out each day my thoughts drift from excitement to try again, fear of getting pregnant, the possibility of never carrying our own child, adopting, IVF (huge credit debt for that!), never having kids or maybe just adopting dogs!
I am quite excited to get my HSG test or a hysterosalpingogram which is an X-ray of my uterus and fallopian tubes after a dye has been injected. I hear it can be quite painful but any answer will be worth it. Praying my tubes are not scarred. I still have that gut feeling that Pregnancy 2 was Ectopic as well, on my cervix though. The connection is brown spotting and side pain from day one, although with Preg #2 the pain was far less, physically and didn't land me in the hospital.
I will also research additional tests to be run, some that he didn't do last year. I will ask and brace myself for the truth if weight could be the common factor in all of this. I mean even if it is a hormonal issue, my weight does affect certain hormones. I will also ask for, if given the go ahead to try again, to be seen earlier by him and to have my progesterone tested and other hormones needed to sustain pregnancy. And keep having my betahCG tested every other day until I feel confidant or hit the 12 week mark when levels stabilize. And I want ot be able to call the damn lab and hear the results my friggin self and not bug reciptionists every day!
Something that is bugging me is the stories that people tell me about so and so who had X number of miscarriages and went on to have a healthy baby. I know this happens. I know it is possible, but it doesn't make me feel better. Our situations are probably a lot different, mainly that I am obese and that is probably the reason I am miscarrying.
So it all comes down to the big WEIGHT issue. It is time. It is not fair to myself, my husband, my family and friends that we get pregnant and cannot carry. Plus getting bigger than I already am is terrifying me! I do not want to go into labour at 250 pounds!
I need to stay motivated, like I said to Charles one time. Put the stroller in front of the bike and it will be my carrot on the string to make me work! I mean I know just by increasing my physical excercise will allow me to start shedding pounds and gaining muscle. I feel so weak half the time, carrying around this much fat does not make you strong! Imagine?!
Plus I think about once a baby (or two) arrives how will I take care of them? How will I heal if I have a C-section? How hard will it be for me to carry my child up and down the stairs without having to have a 20 minute nap after the trip. I barely can walk the mall anymore! Yeesh! Get on with it already.
So here we go again ( I think I have written that in every post!). I know I do not want to go through another bad pregnancy again. I do not want to start a pregnancy in bad shape. With the blame already revved and ready to go. I want to be healthy. Shouldn't this pain motivate me, finally? I mean we are not talking about fitting into a prom dress or bathing suit. We are talking about gaining a BABY! A family complete!
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