I am FAT!

I don't talk about it as much as I thought I would in the begginning but I am overweight, more specifically obese and quite possibly "morbidly Obese". It is something that I have been dealing with for the last 25 years or so.



I started off life at 5.5 lbs, was normal until about 5ish and then never stopped gaining. I have tried almost everything, aside from surgery, to lose the weight. But it continues to pile on, 10 pounds each year, do the math, it's gross.



I have a great family doctor, who has always been supportive and tried to encourage me. About a year ago he asked me to see his nurse practitioner, I'll call her Laroc, about losing weight. She was very nice and gave me some great info. I was already pregnant so I didn't see her until November. I was surprised when she told me that I had put 10 pounds on since February. So I saw her in November and January and was supposed to see her at the begginning of February but changed my appointment twice in fear.


Fear of what? You ask. Fear of failure? Fear of lectures? Fear of taking responsibility for my eating? Fear of actually losing the weight? HUH? Yes I sometimes think I am afraid to be thin. I know how strange this may seem but in reality it's true. My weight has defined me for as long as I can remember. From the time my beloved Grandma told me that people don't like little fat girls, to the countless times I've been made fun of, laughed at or the times when I've been embarassed about my weight. (And yes dear ol' grandma said those things-which led me to stop eating all together--at the age of 7!)

I learned at an early age how to deal with the name calling, snickering and not fitting in--literally. I turned the name calling around and made fun of myself--I still do. It makes people uncomfortable now, but when we were 8 or 9 and they had no problem calling me fatso-well it's not so funny now, is it, not when I laugh at myself! I just learned that the names can't hurt me.

Now looks of disgust, they tend to pinch. Or losing the chance to date a guy I had liked, becuase his fear of what his loser friends would think, well, that saddened me as well. I felt sorry mostly for him because he lost out! (plus I have my man who is the best!) Or worried about being labeled-lazy, sloppy, stupid (cuz the sad thing is when I see other fatties-well I judge them too).

Becoming the funny, independant lady I am today seems almost worth it. It is who I am. Once I am comfortable and know no one is in utter disgust of me, I open right up and be myself. I tell jokes and stories with a flare that keep people laughing. I enjoy dancing on the dance floor--(even when my fly is hanging open) and sometimes I even get up in front of people I know and some I don't and belt out a song for their listening pleasure.

So when I say I am fearful of becoming thin, it sounds strange. I mean even though I am at most times, outgoing, independant and confidant, there is a HUGE part of my psychy that isn't. I need to at least know the people well enough, to not be afraid to be judged, or a few drinks, for my inhibitions to disappear. I guess I am afraid that my being thin won't change this? Will I still be self concenious? Probably, most people are. So get over it, Heather. (thanks mom)

I am fearful of losing the 100+ pounds and then putting it all back on! I am fearful of losing the weight, having a nice body but become ugly (When I gots me make-up on and my hair done-i am quite the looker). I am fearful the most, I think, of losing the weight, looking in the mirror and still seein myself as an obese person.

Here's a secret-sometimes I forget I am as fat as I am. Sometimes I think I am not so big. Sometimes. Kind of a reverse anorexia? But then I see a picture of myself. Or look in the mirror properly. Or I put on my fat jeans and they don't even fit. Then I get my jolt to reality.

The heartburn and indigestion. The fatigue. The sore feet, back, legs, arms, face, hair! Really-sometimes everything just hurts. The fear of going to the dr's and being told they won't help me anymore-the reason my back hurt--not the scoliosis that I have, but the extra 120 lbs I force my body to support. Sometimes I wish my dr had been more harsh. More realistic. More demanding. "No Heather-I will not send you for a breast reduction until you lose 50lbs." "NO Heather-you cannot see a fertility specialist until you lose 50 lbs." "No HEATHER!"

I said to a co-worker the other day, "What will it take for me to do it? How do I learn to hold myself accountable for what my physical life has become, when no one else has. How do I force myself off my ass and do the work? Is it psycholgical or am I just lazy?"

A bit of both.

But fear-it's there. It doesn't make sense how I can be afraid to lose the weight, but I am. Mostly fear of failing at my "diet". Continuing the cycle of 10 lbs off, 20lbs on. Reward myself with food? HUH? Who does that? Well-fat people do.

I think what I need to do is turn these fears into challenges. Challenge myself to break this cycle. Show myself and the world I can do it. Gain the self confidance I need to succeed and move on in life.

I think the first step maybe admitting to the past. Admitting to myself that I am an overeater. A closet eater. Yes-there are a lot of bad food choices in my past. But some where so hidden, I think I didn't even know they were happening. My favourites are when I think "I can have this cookie/ice cream/chocolate bar. I haven't had anything "bad" all day." In reality, I probably haven't had anything good either. No salads. No fruit. No whole grains. No lean protien. Just carbs and fats. And the second reality isn't that it's just ONE Cookie or ONE scoop, or ONE chocolate bar, but it's all three, at once, more than one of each. This happens just about everyday.

Even as I sit here and write this I can tell you that I am already saying to myself, "It's okay if I don't do it." I have written these "Mission" statements before. Worked hard for a few days and then decided I could cheat a little and then cheat some more and then all together forget what I was trying to accomplish.

But not this time. This has to be it. I am tired of being a failure at what is a normal, everyday activity of eating to nourish myself. Body, mind and soul. I want, I mean I WILL, change these bad habits.

I have to remember my ultimate goal at this point is to start a family. I have to remember that I need to teach my child how to take care of themselves. how to eat properly, excercise and become a confidant individual. I know that I have to do these things myself first.

This is it Heather. This is life. Start living it.