October

Today is October 15th. It is a day that has been deemed the Rememberance Day for pregnancy and baby loss. It is strange how karma or fate works. Why at 7pm did I decide to check into my blog and see the posts from a few others that today was that day?

So I lit a candle. And now I sit here and reflect and process and eventually I will pray.

I will pray for all the unborn. I will pray for their mothers and fathers and families. I will pray for myself and my husband and all that we lost.

But I must also give thanks. I must give thanks for the miracle that was the conceptions. For the miracle of knowing a tiny heart did beat under mine, if only for a short period of time. I give thanks for the courage and strength to continue on, with life (because at times I no longer wanted to live), with love and with hope. It is hope and spirit that keeps me believing that one day I will get to mother and Charles will be a father. Together I know we will succeed and know that our journey was well worth it. To also know that we can conquer just about any obstacle that is thrown in our face, well that has been the bittersweet lesson here.

October is one of those funny months for me. It can start off perfect and I have complete confidance that I will not become unglued at the end of it. But then I do. I start to get overwhelmed and anxious and sometimes just feel sorry for myself. So I pray that my strength has evolved this year. That the changes I have made, the fact that I am so much happier, the peace that I have been experiencing, well, I pray that it carry's on for all of October.

Although my life is on a different path at the moment, I know that it is God who guides me, walks beside me and carry's me when needed.