March Madness

It's getting close. This time of year when I seem to lose it completely. This year I am going to try and embrace it.

Be thankful for the things I do have. A wonderful family. Awesome friends. Cute pets. Opportunity.

I worked at the Downtown Mission today and prepared a meal for....what is the PC term for "needy"? We served it. It was a great expereince. Yes I teared up as I served, the people are so thankful for the meal. I will be going back on a regular basis. It sparked something in me. I came home, worked out even!

I am truly happy. The happiest I've been in years. Yet is it wrong that my heart is heavy? Should it be expected that the desire to carry a child full term is stronger than ever? It is March afterall. A month of heartache and anger and fear and grief. So I sit here and contemplate.

I have so many questions, not yet answered, but ironically many I know the answer's to. When will I get pregnant? After I lose some weight. When will I lose the weight? When I put my mind, heart and soul into it. When will I have a child? I hate that my first response is "never". I am trying SOOOOO very hard to be positive in my life. I see all the good that has happened to me in this last year and throughout my life. My life has been truly blessed. And I have alot of faith that my life will continue to be good. BUT why do I have such a negative feeling to actually giving birth, having a child? Why do I think it won't happen?

Maybe it's becuase I want desperately to be wrong.

As we approach upon the 15th, I try really hard to look at the 2 good things...my mother and my kitty (it's their birthdays). Try not to dwell on the bad. Should I get "over" March? Will I get over it? I think that is my plan. I can never, will never, forget my angels, but I need to move on. I cannot dwell on the coulda beens and shoulda beens. I cannot keep looking in the past but continue to look to the future and what it holds.

"My soul is deprived of peace. I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself that my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the lord. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope; the favours of the Lord are not exhausted, His mercies are not spent; They are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore I will hope in Him." Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-24