What's with September?

So I was 6 days late and then she came! Joy. This happened last September as well. I was over a month late. Maybe it is just September. I have not done well in September since I was 14 and starting high school. I start with being overwhelmed and anxiety and crying and getting sick and all sorts of fun.

So I am going to start a petition to be put in a coma for March and September-Wake me when they're over. LMAO

Anyhoo. So I am still "sick". It is not mono, TG, but it may be viral, hence the antibiotics not working! So Each day my throat hurts and now I cough all night long. Of course the coughing could be from the pack of smokes I had 3 days ago. TEEHEE. It was our annual summer manager's outing and well, smokes are required. It was a very good day, Tiger's game, dinner at Fishbones, casino=I won 40 bucks! and then dancing until 2 am at Pepper's! We had a blast. But my night ended sadly with the arrival of the flo! And I got home and bawled my eyes out to my C.

I just feel like such a failure each month. I feel like I am letting everyone down. Each month of no BFP, C gets anxiety over the next month. I already know not to even try this month cuz it just won't happen. I also wish that I had never shared so much info about trying with so many people. I mean any time I say I have "news" it gets their hopes up. Even when I told a few close co-managers that my AF started, I got the "Awww Heather". I had to pretend that it was okay, that'd I get another fun month of trying, when I know that it won't happen this month.

Then last night my 10 pg tests come in the mail, I knew I should have gotten the mail so C wouldn't know. And then of course I dreamt of 4 positive HPT's, and was upset, knowing that it was a doomed pregnancy.

I just wish I could focus on something else. Maybe stay off this computer and focus on scrapbooking. Do something other than this in my spare time. Knit? Ride my bike? Something.