Sigh

Here I sit on the eve of the due date of my expected period. How exciting. But frustrating. I keep testing each morning and they are negative. Not even the slightest line. **SIGH*** I have actually used all my tests-less the few I gave away. 25 tests gone, before AF is even due. Crap. So I bought two more. And I am very proud of myself for not cracking it open as soon as I got home.



I am waiting till the morning. I mean my breasts are sore. I had some cramps, which I always think is not normal PMS but I am starting to concede that they are. Darn. And I am not sure if I am craving salt and chocolate, but I have had pizza two days in a row. I ate some peanut butter balls but the thought of popcorn isn't appealing right now. I mean that could be due to the fact that I have tonsilitis and don't feel the greatest anyways. Oh and that's another thing. I am sick. 2 other times I have been sick before finding out I am pregnant. And some nausea-yesterday and today, but again, I am sick. And my sense of smell, but maybe that is psycological, as I had that symptom last month too. Of course, this could be why my AF is late. Or on time. Maybe I did ovualte on the 22nd and not the 18th!



I just kept feeling that May would be our month. I started to believe it. Last month Charles was sure April was our month. He kept dreaming about pregnancy and home pregnancy tests. But I said "No-it's may." and I remember that I really wanted an April due date, at first. Mainly because I didn't want March. But now as the months (3 of them) tick by, I am getting scared. If I am not pregnant by Novemeber then I will have to put it off for 5 months. I will not try when I will be in the first trimester in March. No fucking way. I will try in march, as long as my bfp comes in april!



So now I wait. A few more days I hope. And if she comes, well I am prepared to talk about IUI's with C. I hope he'll go for it, but I doubt it. That is even more pressure than he is under to "perform on demand".



But as this cycle comes to an end I am feeling a little more like-let's stop trying and testing-for real. Take a break. As C says, he is bugged when I start testing the day after we do it! LOL And I think I am too. It is really depressing to not see the second line. Every Morning. And why do I think I will be lucky enough to get a BFP before my AF is due? I guess I just want the re-assurance that that bitch will stay away. I mean each time I wipe, I am so hoping that it's there, and each time it's not my, hopes go up.