Needless to say I am disappointed. I know I am proabably not a candidate for Clo.mid and I am praying I don't need Metfor.min. It's just that I am pretty sure of when I am ovualting already. I get the signs, EWCM and cramps. But of course a few times in the last few months, I couldn't be a 100% sure. I was sure that regardless of the actual ovulation day that we had had enough "timed coitis" to be susccessful.
Again, I think it just comes back to my body is taking a rest. That is fine. I get it. It will be ready when it's ready.
I mean there is nothing too much more that I can do except wait. But usually when you are waiting for something, you know in the end you'll get it. And I don't know that about TTC. I don't know that in the end I will have a baby. I just don't know.
It is getting harder and harder to keep up the "it'll happen when it happens" attitude. I really wish that I was a more private person. I really wish that no one knew that we have been trying and trying and losing and losing. So that if we decide to be done with it, well, no one would know, that we really had wanted children. It would be easier to answer the question "Do you have kids?" "No-we decided not to. We decided to have dogs and fish and birds instead." And no one would be the wiser.
I also wish that I didn't know what I know. I wish that each month would come and go and I wouldn't think "well maybe it wasn't my period."
This month the same thing is happenning. My period was a few days late, I figured becuase of the FULL MOON. It started with some weird spotting (I used to be a spotter but haven't in quite a few months). Then I would bleed heavily and then it would seem to stop and then some more bleeding and this happened for 2 days. Then the last day was spotting. Yesterday there was really nothing present. Just some slight pink when I wiped. Today I have the fun brown gooky stuff and some rusty looking leakage. I KNOW TMI! But this is just reminiscant of months past when there was some sort of doomed pregnancy in me. Even C. this month was like "maybe it's not your period!" I have been quite the moody bitch, my lower back is killing me, my boobs always hurt on and off, the nips are still brown a bit and I have not felt well all week-nausea and headaches.
So I am scared and pissed and sad.
I am excited that this is my last month trying for 4 whole months! I am looking forward to the break. I am not sure what preventitaitve method we will use. Maybe just the good ol' fashioned "temperature" method. When ovulation signs are present, no nooky for hubby! That's like 6 days in each month when the answer is no! Or we could try the "pull out" method.
I don't want to be pregnant in February again. I don't want to run that risk of having a March lose. AGAIN. BUT I just have this crazy feeling, like, that's when it will happen and then maybe, just maybe, that one will stick!
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