Bitter Tears

Yesterday was Mother's Day. When I looked back at the alst years post, I never mentioned being to sad. I think it was a mixture of that I worked, my mom was away and maybe we went for dinner at my in-laws, so nothing to big.

So Charles and I went to the mall to get our Moms a gift as we are procrastanators and had not yet. We went into Sobey's to get some stuff for our BBQ and I sent Charles out to put the groceries in the van. As we were leaving Sobeys, I saw people buying flowers for their moms and a young mom with her baby and I started to get teary. I though to myself "Pull it together, you are stronger than this." So I headed toward the jewllery store and as I neared it I saw a picture frame with baby foot prints in it. I started to cry. I headed toward the parking lot and got to the van just as Charles did and just lost it. I told Charles that we had to go and I couldn't "Do it". Poor Charles had no idea what was going on and thought some woman had pushed me! I told him how sad I was and that we had to cancel our BBQ becuase I just couldn't handle it. I sobbed the whole way home and once we got home I cried some more.

I sent Charles to get propane and something for his mom. I finally calmed down while Charles was gone and we then went to Zhers and got our moms some flowers and nice cards. I made it through the night without crying and luckily no one said anything to me aboout babies.

This is so hard. It's the not knowing and the uncertainty of it all. I mean I get pregnant, no problem but then I can't carry and well, I just feel like a failure. I am embarressed. And ashamed.

I so want to not know the next time for at least 2 months--2 missed periods! I know my body tho and I know I'll test but maybe I could start practcing now to not test.

Well only about 20 days till I can book my HSG!!!