Waiting....

I cannot believe it is almost June! I cannot believe I cannot we are not even trying right now for a baby.

I hate waiting.

I love waiting. I am happy that we aren't TTC this month. I am trying to rid myself of my demons--smoking, drinking and overeating (never!). I think tonight will be the last of smoking. I hate it. My lungs hurt. My mouth tastes like crap. My hair smells. I am wasting 8 dollars that could be saved towards maternity leave.

I also love waiting because the stress isn't there for either of us. I told DH today that I started my Metformin yesterday to prepare for next months HSG and "hopeful" TTC. I asked if he was ready and I got the "yes but not really" nod. I know how scary this is for him. I hate to say scarrier then for me, but not only is he stressing about "performing" and "producing" good swimmers but he then has to constantly worry about me. And "if" things go bad, the whole works that go with that, well, yeah-I wouldn't want to be DH. And what a good DH he is...

***Sidetrack for a moment****Yesterday DH cooked "dinner" for us, his to take to work and mine to eat alone later; this was around noon. He also made sliced potatoes with Mrs.Dash Original (yummy) and some beans (you can't have pork without the beans!). Anyhoo, so he did a great job at that. I left for the day and did my errands. I came home and ate my delicious dinner and had a nap and then went in for a dreaded midnight shift.
When I arrived home this morning, shortly before 7 am, I walked into a clean house! He had vaccummed, cleaned the bathroom and kitchen and straightened up! I was so happy and touched and thought to myself, I will never let him go! So I slept until 1 pm and when I woke I said thanks for the house cleaning. It took my almost an hour to realize (hey I had just worked an odd shift!), that he had cleaned the house at MIDNIGHT! He came home from his afternoon shift and cleaned, until 2:30 am!!! So I just wanted to let you all know how great he is.

I hate waiting as well to TTC becuase I want that HSG so bad and should have pushed harder to get it. I know that the receptionist at DR H's office can understand what I am going through and how anxious we are and probably is waiting to give us more time, time to heal and enjoy our lives.

I also hate this waiting becuase I want to know if my uterus looks "normal". Do I have any growths? Do I have a septum? Do I have polyps or fibroids? I don't think so, but I am a hypochondriac!!! LOL

I also have this nagging feeling that this will be the "last" time trying. I hate to say we would give up but, it is too heartbreaking to suffer loss after loss after loss (after loss!). We would look into adoption but I worry about not being approved, even to foster. We don't make tons of money, I have some depression/anxiety issues. I am not the picture of health or even a good "role model".

It saddens me and at the same time is a relief to know that it is "hopefully" our last time trying and the hope is that this one will be successful. The sad part is if we aren't successful and just giving up. But I don't think I will. My plan is to have an IUD in place. I will serious decide about my weight. Maybe opt for a Gastric Bypass.

As for my weight issue. I am giving up the diet pop again and staying away from artificially sweetened foods. I find they make hungrier or crave more sugar. And I never say no to a craving.

As well, I am going to look into accupuncture and hypnosis for controlling my eating. I can tell you how to lose weight. I know what works. I am a guru. But something in my head just doesn't compute! Example: after the ectopic I was back down to my weight of Dec 2006! i was so excited. My pants were "loose" and I was feeling good and motivated. And then I thought "how did I loose that weight?" And for some reason I thought I ate a bunch a junk and high fat foods and the weight just fell off. But what really happened was I was I was eating slowly and putting my fork down and eating small meals. I started back to work (an increase in movement). Then I decided I could eat what I wanted, as long as I used those techniques. BUT I forgot to follow the techniques and didn't increase my movement and WHAMO! 10 pounds later! AUGHHHH.

Geez I really ramble....